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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Laughed until I cried....

This is an actual letter from an Austin Texas woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tel l you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pan ts... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:'Have a Happy Period.'Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi p ad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. .

Best,

Wendi Aarons Austin , TX

6 comments:

painted maypole said...

funny!

moooooog35 said...

Nice!

By the way - thanks for dropping by my "Sex and the City" review...always nice to know I can cause physical pain through the written word.

I also hope you become a regular reader of "Mental Poo"...you know...if you're into being twisted.

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Hi.

That's all.

Had coffee. Sorry.

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Dagonnit girl, no way you're busier than I am! Or maybe you are? Nevertheless, where you at?! :-)

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Hey Amanda!

NO WORRIES!

In re your comment on my blog, I was just giving you a hard time. A blog is a very personal thing and as soon as you start feeling pressured to post for the sake of other's and NOT yourself, then it is no longer a blog!

I just wanted to let you know that like a very good book, you and your sisters have blogs that constantly make me want to turn the next page to see what comes next.

I'll just eagerly be awaiting your sequel, whether it be re Transformers or not. By the way, I was totally into boy cartoons as a kid. Loved the Transformers and Voltron! :-)

Kisses to PPoP!

the dragonfly said...

Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.

Perfect.

:)