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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Beware the Penquins

I am sure that my faithful readers, all 6 of them (I love you guys), have noticed that the majority of my patients are mental midgets and need to be heavily medicated. Penquin lady was no different.

Penquin lady was my new patient for the day. I came in to find my list of office patients on my desk and heavily highlighted. The girls have a meathod. Green for a new patient, blue for an outpatient followup, and yellow for a hospital followup. I discovered today that purple and green means a really CRAZY new patient. Hard to imagine that one would be able to ascertain that the new patient was crazy by just speaking to her on the phone but they had. AND her daughter called the office to warn us about her.

Let me tell you, my friends, their assessment was not wrong. This woman was certifiable. The reason she came in to see the pulmonologists- TO BE EVALUATED FOR INHALING PENGUIN POOP. Yes, readers, you read that correctly penguin poop... while on vacation in Antarctica, she tripped and fell face first into penguin poop. She has a legitimate concern, bird feces when inhaled can translate into histoplasmosis. It is the tale she told that confirmed her mental instability.

I am not making this up, you can't. APPARANTLY, the patients tall thin stature was threatening for the penguins. (They are short, fat birds after all). She chose to wear a red sweater to the penguin area and that angered the penguins and they pushed her down. Yup, they pushed her down. She proceed to tell me that she intimidates all birds and is often attacked, EVEN when driving.

We ordered the appropriate tests to rule out histoplasmosis and offered her the name of a psychiatrist to help her come to terms with the fact that birds are so threatened by her... Seriously people, I had to walk out of the exam room 4 times, feigning being paged, to keep from laughing out loud in her face...

When I IM'd Mike about her, his response was Beware the Penguins- Dooby Dooby Doo, from one of my favorite bud lite commercials.

4 comments:

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

THAT is hysterical! Not only did she fall face first into penguin poop (the mental image is priceless in my mind), but THEY PUSHED HER! I am tickled, but I am sure the situation is very, very serious. [Snicker].

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN 2 LUV said...

This has got to be one of the MOST hysterical things I have ever heard!!!! I am screaming right now! You are a much better person than I am....there is NO way I would have kept a straight face. Holy shit!

(No pun-guin intended.:-)

Hey, how about that Mike? I love that you're in love. I love new, fresh, exciting love. It gets stinkier and messier and more satisfying as it ages, but so does the best wines and cheeses. Hee hee. Your thrilled happiness makes me smile. So awesome.

Now, Chitown Girl has to come over here and read this soon because she may need some purple and green highlighting of her own, given her sweet obsession with penguins! :-)

karengberger said...

That is a scream. I am thankful that you have a pager to fake with. But that poor soul...imagine the torture in her mind. To believe that birds hate you (maybe she saw the movie)! I hope her daughter will do more than call ahead to warn...I hope she will set her up with some help.

painted maypole said...

gee, i wish I had read this beofre my daughter gave her speech on penguins. hee hee. although perhaps that not a good anticdote for a 1st grade presentation.